Tiny Balls, No Dick:
The Adventures of Captain Mike Dicenso and his Lover StarWarsStarTrek
"God, my balls are tiny," Captain Mike Dicenso muttered under his breath as he slowly paced the bridge of his ship, the star destroyer known to the galaxy as the Pencil Dick. A single tear rolled down his cheek as the bridge crew snickered and laughed at the tiny girlie steps which formed his stride, legs held tight together in a vain attempt to relieve the terrible ache where his genitalia would have been, had God been merciful. "It's not my fault!" he screamed, shaking his fists in the air. "You try being born with balls half the size of marbles and a penis so small that you're forced to catch ants and houseflies to.. share the physical act of love with!" As the bridge erupted into hysterical laughter, a storm trooper's legs collapsed under him and he knocked himself unconscious as his head smacked against a control console, activating several buttons at once.
The entire ship veered off course and rolled onto her side, throwing Captain Dicenso toward the wall. He flew, screaming shrilly like a woman, pedaling his feet in the air as if he could ride an invisible bicycle to safety. It had no effect, of course, and he managed to smash groin first against seventeen consoles of varying types, breaking four into pieces and smashing another instantly into powder as he passed. It was almost a relief when he finally came to rest on the wall which had just become the new floor, and he would have gladly kissed that new floor had he not somehow managed to crush his tiny, deformed coin purse against the cold metal. He gritted his teeth against the agony of this, his fifth ruptured testicle in as many days.
In seconds, he was surrounded by concerned faces. "Sir! Are you injured? Is it your ridiculously small testicles again?" a storm trooper asked, his helmet under his arm and his other hand reaching out to help his captain to his feet. Captain Dicenso had managed to raise himself onto his knees, gasping and sobbing. "Don't touch me!" he cried, as the trooper's glove touched the bare flesh of his hand. "Noo..aaarGHHHHH," he screamed, falling back to the ground, his entire body shaking violently with the force of the orgasm which was inevitable for him upon physical contact with another male of any species or race.
The storm trooper, now even more concerned, was mere inches from touching his hand again before Captain Dicenso could regain enough control over his body to protest. "Get off of me, I said!" Mike said, gasping for breath and wishing for a new pair of pants. "I'm fine, I just slipped on the ice!" After fifteen seconds of dead silence, the baffled trooper walked off to help other crew hurt in the fall.
As Mike regained his feet, and somewhat regained his composure, his second in command approached him, pretending not to know what had just happened. "Sir!" officer StarWarsStarTrek barked, "I have news on the status of the ..modifications you wished to make to the outside of the ship!" Captain Mike's expression softened a bit, the ache in his loins lessening. "Proceed," he said, in the kind of falsetto one speaks in after smashing and breaking seventeen computer consoles with one's miniscule genitals.
StarWarsStarTrek stood tall and saluted his captain. "The modifications are now complete, sir. It was an incredible investment of time and energy, but the ship now looks exactly like a huge, swollen purple penis. And as you commanded, all turbolaser batteries have been moved to the head of the ..ship, so that when they are fired it will appear that the ship is ...anatomically functional. Unfortunately we have not as of yet found a way to change the color of the turbolaser bolts to either yellow or white, but the scientists are still working on it."
StarWarsStarTrek fell silent as the smile on Mike's face grew wider. "Excellent, SWST. Thanks to the Empire, I now have the largest dick in the galaxy. Let's go to my old hometown and see what that bunch of cruel douchebags have to say now. We'll see who has the pencil dick!"
StarWarsStarTrek attempted to salute through his laughter, but slipped and fell, breaking his tailbone against Mike's ruined testicles. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK," Captain Dicenso screamed, cupping his groin in his hands and falling over once again onto the floor, moaning in pain as the inevitable reaction to contact with SWST's body kicked in, jerking his body around as if in a seizure.
alright, if that doesn't get me warned or banned, maybe i'll take a stab at something longer. i like your idea, obviously.