Guardians of the Galaxy -----> it sucks, yes

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Mr. Oragahn
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Guardians of the Galaxy -----> it sucks, yes

Post by Mr. Oragahn » Thu Dec 11, 2014 11:27 pm

Lots of money, eye candy and a rotten industry give you that kind of crap.
It's not good for adults. It isn't even good escapism for kids. Because what I watched as a kid, I can still watch it today without feeling bored nor embarrassed. It was really done with care and love.
But this. Is it even called a movie??
GotG's "humour" is so forced, so phony and flat, just as the characters who just seem to avoid any real criticism because they're all of sizes and colours. The pace, oh my, is absolutely disastrously rushed; all settings, places and styles get so way too saturated in varying styles and flavours they prevent the spectators to settle once to digest the torrent of CGI and travelings they get served with. They don't even feel coherent or original either, and feel like a miserable excuse to cram as many different locations as possible to make the budget legit. The diversity of it all is so massive that it acts as a deterrent to any possible appreciation.
You don't even know when you're supposed to take this movie seriously enough to give a s*** abou the characters or even the people of that gay planet that I begged to see torched so much it was unbearable. Was like watching one of those craptastic Dreamworks movies, but live action.
The plot is darned rushed and incredibly stupid. The action isn't even exciting in the slightest and milks every possible asinine clichés used in the last two decades and can't even put a clever spin on any of them.
Oh, the end skirmish really takes the crown of complete pseudo dramatic, sloppy and ultimately messy action, all wrapped with a thick layer of pure, totally nonsensical narration.
How can even one care about the vilains, or even the main bad guy? He's just as forgetable as desperately moronic. Special kudos to the legions of retards on both sides who design ships and combat systems by the way.

Really.
How can people take that kind of abysmal turdish subproduction and ask for more? It's insane!

What's even more irritating is reading fans' reactions to somewhat negative reviews.
Case in point: http://www.moviehabit.com/review.php?story=gua_ha14
louis bouchelle: I'm not sure you have a heart or just know how to relax and have a good time. Stop what your doing and just breathe. Take a deep breath...everything is going to be okay. -You probably didn't like star wars either. October 20, 2014
How can that even pass as a counter argument? It's just mocking of the reviewer because he disagrees, painting him as both jaded and over emotional?? And yet must lack a heart because he might not have enjoyed the stuff he watched...
Nothing short of a textbook character assassination there.


Dashie: I'm not entirely sure what your argument here is...if there is one? Essentially the only criticism you give is that its 'junk' and that its typical. The rest of the review you are reciting plot points, very unprofessional for a movie critic really. November 20, 2014
It's not like there's much to say. The plot is precisely and absolutely terrible.

Tom: No, this isn't Citizen Kane, but it isn't trying to be either. Ebert used to rate movies on how effective they were at doing what they were meant to do. This movie was marketed well and everybody who went to see it knew what they were getting into; most liked it because they got what they wanted. Sorry you didn't want to see it, but had to for your job. November 25, 2014
No one asked for this to rival Citizen Kane, douchebag. But perhaps be at least better than Lost in Space. Damn, when I think of that older movie now, it seems absolutely stellar in comparison.

timmz: junk? seriously? maybe the movie might be your genre but junk? the movie was action packed with alot of space fighting. it was also hilarious, i dont know about you, but alot of people loved the movie and you shouldnt be calling it junk like that November 26, 2014
A fantastic plunge into the sheeple mindset, right there...
Lotsa people luvd it so stfu, that's basically all this is about. Rule of the mob.


DCrosby: I agree with the reviewer. I'm halfway through the movie and wondering if I should continue or just remove it from my hard drive. I like special effects though, and this film has some. Plot and character be damned, just gimme some eye candy. Recommended for those who watch the Superbowl for the commercials. November 27, 2014
Emphasis mine.
Last edited by Mr. Oragahn on Wed Dec 17, 2014 11:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Guardians of the Galaxy

Post by Mr. Oragahn » Thu Dec 11, 2014 11:36 pm

Oh, loved that one, so true (an well written but surely he's paid for that and spent time on it, which I don't even know if I should laudate or condemn):

There is an enjoyable sequence early in director James Gunn’s otherwise busy and dispiriting Marvel comic-book adaptation of Guardians of the Galaxy that prepares the palate for original flavors otherwise absent. Chris Pratt of Parks and Recreation dials it down a level to play Peter Quill, the film’s mysteriously orphaned space bandit protagonist. Under the opening credits, Quill joyfully dances through a marshy alien landscape to the tune of Redbone’s AM radio staple “Come and Get Your Love,” at one point grabbing a CGI alien reptile to use as a prop microphone.

It’s an ecstatic scene, joyful and self-effacing where every other Marvel smirk-fest of late has been getting dreadfully solemn about its own gobbledygook. There is an exhilarating impression that the film may actually have the guts to surrender to Pratt’s Kool-Aid Man chaos, but the feeling is short-lived. Soon, we’re stuck following magical orbs and infinity stones with the awesome power to do things I never really cared about, and Pratt’s dizzy charm is pushed aside in favor of plot-heavy predictability and Marvel Universe-building.

Once again, the bad guys are mush-faced nonentities with vague agendas who talk like condescending schoolmarms. Once again, the main baddie Ronan (Lee Pace) is portrayed and described as a “religious extremist” and a “terrorist” (cough, radical Muslim, cough). Once again, characters blather on about peace treaties instead of anything interesting or cool. Once again, the plot hinges on our heroes saving an entire planet from destruction. Once again, any potential character investment is spent on blobby CGI, sentimental-message mongering and a nonsensical third-act light show that refuses to end.

Does any of this sound depressingly familiar? In last year’s equally hollow Thor: The Dark World, the climax took place in a red cloud; here, it takes place in a purple cloud. Progress! With an ensemble cast that includes a talking raccoon and a sentient, self-reproducing tree, Guardians of the Galaxy is more ostensibly a “comedy” than other Marvel properties like Thor and Captain America, but it offers roughly the same amount of jokey and juvenile bickering as those other films. Far from upending the Marvel formula, this is just another entry in its spreadsheet, The Avengers minus the monstrous egos.

After Quill takes off with the orb, he becomes the target of intergalactic bounty hunters—first, a beautiful, green-skinned Ronan loyalist (Zoe Saldana) whose motivation changes whenever the pace lags, and then an acerbic talking raccoon named Rocket. Bradley Cooper voices the role of Rocket, and Vin Diesel provides the grunts of his sidekick Groot, an anthropomorphic tree who can only speak the words, “I am Groot,” yet who still holds an easy rapport with the raccoon.

Rocket and Groot’s friendship is the most successful aspect of the film, and suggests the same sort of deep affection between fantastical creatures that made the original Star Wars universe so fascinating. It’s a likeable cast all around, especially when WCW wrestler Dave Bautista joins the team as Drax, a musclebound, blotched-red alien with a grudge against Ronan. I want to see a movie with these actors playing these characters learning and bonding through their adventures, but the problem is that Gunn can barely squeeze in a few minutes of uninspired squabbling and pat lesson-learning between nonthreatening, nonstop special effects fireworks and inconsequential plot garbage.

Before that sublime “Come and Get Your Love” sequence described above, Guardians of the Galaxy indulges in a little universe building of its own. In a brief precredits scene, a young Peter sees his mother die from cancer, and overwhelmed with grief, he escapes into a nearby field, where he gets picked up by a passing spaceship. Quill’s origin story is then ignored until the conclusion, and this scene only adds two more plot MacGuffins for Gunn to juggle, all leading to an unconvincing “swing away” moment.

Of course, the real point is to create a through line to the next movie: Just like everything else in the Marvel cinematic universe, Guardians of the Galaxy exists solely to advertise its own as-yet-unmade sequels.
And he's soft on the characters. I didn't see any chemistry. It's even harder when you got to care about CGI. But back in the days I could cry for hand drawn characters.
Although I wouldn't go as far as to claim the intro was anything sublime since it was already toeing the line on the cringe worthy zone, it might have gone in the righter direction from there. But failed. Epicly.
Oh, that's it.

It just tries... wait. BEGS to be keeewl.

I think you need to have grown with that stuff to come to a point where you lose all possible criticism.
It's just that when you take that flick for what it should be, something that stands on its own legs, it's shameful to even stare at. Looks like a fat, ugly fifty something old tart using too much makeup.

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Re: Guardians of the Galaxy

Post by Darth Spock » Sun Dec 14, 2014 12:10 am

Ouch, it's that bad? And I was actually thinking a movie with a gun toting space raccoon would be fun.

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Re: Guardians of the Galaxy

Post by Lucky » Sun Dec 14, 2014 12:05 pm

Darth Spock wrote:Ouch, it's that bad? And I was actually thinking a movie with a gun toting space raccoon would be fun.
I have to assume that Mr.O hasn't actually seen Guardians of the Galaxy as his first few claims in the OP are outright lies. Basically it is popular because it is fun and well made, and because of that idiots speak poorly of it in an idiotic attempt to seem better then the "uncultured" masses while forgetting that those masses are often far more cultured then they are.

It is a fun movie aimed at the 13 to not dead age group. It made my father laugh out loud in the theater and the same during a second viewing at home today, and my mother who is at the other end of the spectrum liked it as well. I'd certainly say it would be well worth your time to see it.

Just be warned that it ignores pretty much everything from the comics, and anyone who says otherwise is lying.

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Re: Guardians of the Galaxy

Post by Mr. Oragahn » Sun Dec 14, 2014 3:59 pm

Darth Spock wrote:Ouch, it's that bad? And I was actually thinking a movie with a gun toting space raccoon would be fun.
It's a soft scifi action movie. Featuring a racoon. Who speaks. And uses weapons. In space!
Hard to say, but what passes as "fun" in the US looks incredibly dumb outside.
I know dumbed down US culture becomes more and more prevalent in the world, but this is just damned silly. It's not even good "absurdism" as you'd find it in the finest Brit comedies.
It's so over the top, attempting to be cool by being completely... nothing and all at the same time.
Let me quote myself.

It's a soft scifi action movie. Featuring a racoon. Who speaks. And uses weapons. In space!

In somewhat logical form:

soft scifi action movie + racoon + he speaks + he uses weapons + in space! = KEWLOL + $$$

How the hell does this equation even work??

Or, as a transcription of a discussion going on in some part of the USA (presumably somewhere close to California), just like that...

- It's a soft scifi action movie.
- Cool.
- Featuring a racoon.
- How odd. Awesome!
- Who speaks.
- HAHA LOL that's excellent!
- And uses weapons.
- OMG! WANT!
- In space!
- ROFLOLCOPTER!!!!!!1!!

It just tries way too hard to be funny and coming in from all possible angles. It's too much of everything, never once good at one simple thing. The worst kind of a jack of all trades archetype you can get. No subtle coherency which brews the perfect chemistry that holds an entire movie into one smooth, logical and flowing product.
GotG is like a Frankenstein monster but where each meat piece says fuck to the rest, wherein the stitches keep jumping off, failing to keep both flesh and pus together.

The hero saves the day at the end of the movie by dancing in front of the main vilain.
Yeah, you read that.
How many people laughed at that moment? How can it not be embarrassing?
How can it be taken even remotely seriously - you know, the "seriously enough" threshold so you can actually say ok, that's potentially believable so you can get forget one moment that you're tiptoeing the crest of that darned fourth wall?
All alongside that little voice in the back of your head that constantly reminds you that this total nonsense is supposed to happen in the same universe which has delivered Iron Man one two many and Captain Uhmerica and their load of semi-edgy half-serious real politiks?
You jump from Winter Soldier (which despite its numerous and huge plotholes, featured good action sequences and nice pinches of wit) to something that looks like an overbudgeted sunday afternoon retardo'movie for drugged and disabled kids or something, a canvas vomiting torrents of colours, candy and CGI so they won't really mind while drooling in their plastic plates.

It's a massive saturation on the senses and patience, this whole movie. It's like a rookie cook who lands his first job in a great restaurant, has access to top ingredients and flavours, and doesn't know what the hell to do with all that so he puts them all in a mixer, presses the button, hopes it's going to work, pours the soup-like abomination in a large bowl, draws a dick with a tube of mayonaise and sends his chef d'oeuvre to the room and requires customers to laugh and swallow it all and applause.

The director and writers don't know what to do with their characters either.
At one time you're told that Ronan the Despoiler has been devastating outposts and killing kids and what have you (all that while seemingly not moving his uttertly useless Dark Aster ship; magic!), you even get a prison guard being coldly fridged in the background, and the next step he and his cohorts suddenly suffer a collective brain shutdown and are reduced to monkeys being in charge of mass genocide.

The movie is so afraid to take itself seriously enough (and care about any sense of solid narrative logic) that it counts on people shruggin' and thinkin' to themselves it's just a silly entertainment, so it's good (??), cause for some reason, despite all the plot holes and not exactly stellar acting, this should get superb ratings.

So the characters go to a prison. Boring. The escape plan and all the pseudo hilarity that ensues... annoying. After that they go to a giant space skull floating somewhere, being mined for shits by outlaws. Boring. There's no real sense of wonder because the CGI is so badly handled that you don't get to... "appreciate" the scope of this. Then there's an entire skirmish in this same skull-mine between a handful of Ronan's assault ships and mining crafts hijacked by the heroes, it's truly yawn-worthy, heroes pull maneuvers which just so magically work, there's zero tention, then heroes get emo and all that... boring again.
Fast forward to the the final battle... utterly messy and super boring as well.
You don't even feel one moment that the Kree isla... extremists represent any real danger, mainly because they behave according to thought patterns best processed by the neural pathway of pigs, beginning with ship design itself.
And this whole final battle drags on and on and on soley because the other side is just as retarded.
OH YEAH! I knew this magic net function built inside our nice defense crafts would be useful one day. It stops a kilometer wide despair-death-doom starship from landing!

The only guy not acting like a total cretin on steroids is the chief of the mercenaries, that blue guy with his magic arrow he controls by whistling. I mean, it's a matter of perspective. There's nothing mind blowing about him but he's okay. Which tells a lot.

So, really, forget that crap. I watched it because I wondered if I might get pleasantly surprised, but I kept wondering if I should just quit watching that snorefest.

You want to have a very nice and fun moment? Go watch Galaxy Quest, for example. THAT is excellent. It's a blast.
You want a light hearted adventure with a coherent and stylish universe? Go watch Tron Legacy.
You want to have genuine good laughs by watching a high quality CGIfest with your family and kids? Opt for Toy Story 2.

Now, if you want to gouge neurons out of your cranium, minutes before boring yourself to death, watch Guardians of the Galaxy or Despicable Me.
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Re: Guardians of the Galaxy

Post by Mr. Oragahn » Sun Dec 14, 2014 4:07 pm

Lucky wrote:I have to assume that Mr.O hasn't actually seen Guardians of the Galaxy as his first few claims in the OP are outright lies. Basically it is popular because it is fun and well made, and because of that idiots speak poorly of it in an idiotic attempt to seem better then the "uncultured" masses while forgetting that those masses are often far more cultured then they are.
By definition, masses are not cultured.
Otherwise they wouldn't waste their time voting, for example.

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Re: Guardians of the Galaxy

Post by Mr. Oragahn » Sun Dec 14, 2014 6:58 pm

The movie already started to be problematic the moment Quill got kidnapped.
Cause, you know, he just happens to run out of an hospital and be picked up by one ship that came from nowhere, going for a city instead of any kind of desolated area where they would take less risks being detected.
The ship just happened to dumbly wait out there until someone, anyone, would just walk across the green pasture. If you're looking for a quick kidnapping of a youngling, there probably are more obvious places than some urban hospital at nine o'clock.

They should have had a proble sent down a low population area and have it scan the area on a wide radius. Far from the US, like a lost part of Australia. Then the probe returns a couple of profiles and the movie makes us understand that one particular family is going to lose one kiddo. The ship enters the atmosphere, and they do their dirty job. Perhaps said family was having like a trek in the desert and were camping.

It's just shitty writing right there. You're meant to gulp on that and quickly move on.

Anyway, here comes another good review:
http://nypost.com/2014/07/31/guardians- ... pace-junk/

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Re: Guardians of the Galaxy

Post by Lucky » Sun Dec 14, 2014 8:00 pm

Mr. Oragahn wrote: It's a soft scifi action movie. Featuring a racoon. Who speaks. And uses weapons. In space!
Hard to say, but what passes as "fun" in the US looks incredibly dumb outside.
I know dumbed down US culture becomes more and more prevalent in the world, but this is just damned silly. It's not even good "absurdism" as you'd find it in the finest Brit comedies.
It's so over the top, attempting to be cool by being completely... nothing and all at the same time.
Let me quote myself.

It's a soft scifi action movie. Featuring a racoon. Who speaks. And uses weapons. In space!

In somewhat logical form:

soft scifi action movie + racoon + he speaks + he uses weapons + in space! = KEWLOL + $$$

How the hell does this equation even work??

Or, as a transcription of a discussion going on in some part of the USA (presumably somewhere close to California), just like that...

- It's a soft scifi action movie.
- Cool.
- Featuring a racoon.
- How odd. Awesome!
- Who speaks.
- HAHA LOL that's excellent!
- And uses weapons.
- OMG! WANT!
- In space!
- ROFLOLCOPTER!!!!!!1!!
Given you seem to think this clever and funny, I'm going to say you should stop while your behind. You're showing you have horrible taste, and should be generally ignored on matters such as this.
Mr. Oragahn wrote: By definition, masses are not cultured.
You seem to miss the whole putting a word in quotes to denote sarcasm. The "uncultured" masses in this case are highly educated and cultured people.
Mr. Oragahn wrote: Otherwise they wouldn't waste their time voting, for example.
Now you just sound like an idiot.
Mr. Oragahn wrote: The movie already started to be problematic the moment Quill got kidnapped.
Cause, you know, he just happens to run out of an hospital and be picked up by one ship that came from nowhere, going for a city instead of any kind of desolated area where they would take less risks being detected.
The ship just happened to dumbly wait out there until someone, anyone, would just walk across the green pasture. If you're looking for a quick kidnapping of a youngling, there probably are more obvious places than some urban hospital at nine o'clock.

They should have had a proble sent down a low population area and have it scan the area on a wide radius. Far from the US, like a lost part of Australia. Then the probe returns a couple of profiles and the movie makes us understand that one particular family is going to lose one kiddo. The ship enters the atmosphere, and they do their dirty job. Perhaps said family was having like a trek in the desert and were camping.

It's just shitty writing right there. You're meant to gulp on that and quickly move on.
Standard Mr.O complaint about nonexistent plot holes. You want every irrelevant detail spoon fed to you because you're too lazy to fill in the blanks when the information is given in the movie. When you watch a movie you need to pay attention.

It's stated that the Ravagers were hired by Peter's father to bring him Peter. They knew exactly who they were after, roughly where on Earth Peter was, and we don't know how long they were looking for Peter. They were simply waiting for Peter to exit the hospital, and don't seem to care much about subtlety.

On top of that, the way Peter is taken helps explain his character's quirks.

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Re: Guardians of the Galaxy

Post by Mr. Oragahn » Tue Dec 16, 2014 10:51 pm

Lucky wrote: Given you seem to think this clever and funny, I'm going to say you should stop while your behind. You're showing you have horrible taste, and should be generally ignored on matters such as this.
OK we understand you like a shitty movie with tons of special effects, no worries.
The real bad taste I had was whatever was left in my mouth after watching this.

I've become used to the question that tastes about humour are uneven amongst men, and like anything, they require training and honing in order to elevate the level of wit that will satiate one's mind, trained to laugh at finer material. Like arts, whiskey, etc.
What I endured in Guardians was something just as bad, albeit not as goofy, as the Jar Jar jokes in TPM.
You seem to miss the whole putting a word in quotes to denote sarcasm. The "uncultured" masses in this case are highly educated and cultured people.
Oh I did get your sarcasm, it just wasn't particularly subtle. Point remains.
Now you just sound like an idiot.
People who say that generally are those who simply don't get it yet.
Look, if voting was so efficient at toppling the real balance of power, it would already be outlawed. ;)
Go read some books, preferably not Marvel or DC stuff.
... well technically they look like books but aren't, are they? °o°
Mr. Oragahn wrote: The movie already started to be problematic the moment Quill got kidnapped.
Cause, you know, he just happens to run out of an hospital and be picked up by one ship that came from nowhere, going for a city instead of any kind of desolated area where they would take less risks being detected.
The ship just happened to dumbly wait out there until someone, anyone, would just walk across the green pasture. If you're looking for a quick kidnapping of a youngling, there probably are more obvious places than some urban hospital at nine o'clock.

They should have had a proble sent down a low population area and have it scan the area on a wide radius. Far from the US, like a lost part of Australia. Then the probe returns a couple of profiles and the movie makes us understand that one particular family is going to lose one kiddo. The ship enters the atmosphere, and they do their dirty job. Perhaps said family was having like a trek in the desert and were camping.

It's just shitty writing right there. You're meant to gulp on that and quickly move on.
Standard Mr.O complaint about nonexistent plot holes.
The movie is a whole lot of lazy writing, you know. Plot holes are part of the package.
You want every irrelevant detail spoon fed to you because you're too lazy to fill in the blanks when the information is given in the movie.
That's interesting. This is by definition a silly movie, of a kind notoriously known to precisely spoon feed the audience about rather important plot points, yet I should work during its run?
Or perhaps is it that the information I was seeking was clumsily delivered in a non conspicuous way despite its importance, something which good writers know how to handle precisely to avoid such grievances?
When you watch a movie you need to pay attention.

It's stated that the Ravagers were hired by Peter's father to bring him Peter. They knew exactly who they were after, roughly where on Earth Peter was, and we don't know how long they were looking for Peter. They were simply waiting for Peter to exit the hospital, and don't seem to care much about subtlety.
See, that precisely reminds me of the objections made in one of the reviews. Namely, that so much is said or happens at a time that you don't register it all and missing a simple line just blasts the entire plot's sense.
I mean, imagine the fuck you cough or sip or some dude next to you makes noise with his bag of crisps and you're left as clueless as you were since the very beginning of the movie about why this very convenient kidnapping happens.

It's really the mark of a damned fragile plot that missing one single line (and when did it happen?) makes the whole difference between WTF and ah ok.
When important points are, well, important, good movies do make sure that the point is properly conveyed.

It's really odd because such a crucial element as to why Quill's endeavours begun should have really been given its very own undisputed spot of attention, especially when you look at how the writers so easily pulled the emo card here and there during the movie.
Quill being kidnapped is so important since we wouldn't have any story otherwise, you would honestly and dearly expect a minimal amount of decent exposure as to why the fuck this happened in the first place, and not being expected to suddenly stop breathing everytime some character babbles a thing or don super goggles to spot a detail on the screen that explains it all.

Plus it's hard to have a high tolerance for that kind of issue when you feel that the plot's penning has been a rather lazy affair. Take the whole final battle, it is absolutely pants on head retarded from beginning to end.
I didn't feel insulted like that when I watched the battle in Return of the Jedi, despite the Ewoks and forced cuteness.

See, it isn't really a question of being spoon fed when for such a simple entertainment, I don't expect to have to overthink the situation and come up with a series of wild guesses and other random cogent extrapolations as to why what I just saw didn't make much sense, when the proper course of action instead is to move on and assume sloppy writing, adding one counter to the stack of movie plot holes.

It is, in fact, after dealing with the entire movie that I remembered how I was annoyed by this event at the beginning. Cause this entire waste of celluloid was so shitty that basically all errors benefited from a crap multiplier effect. Anything that sucked simply jumped to megasuck mode.

Summary: Mom dies kid runs wah wah beam gotcha bye.
Sorry, wut?

You know, one simple, easy and rather cheap way to have this whole thing explained would have just required a semi-obscure shot from inside the ship with a control screen's scan locked onto the boy, one distorded voice say "it's him", zap! and that's all.

On top of that, the way Peter is taken helps explain his character's quirks.
Nothing to top there, for the way he was taken away, feeding his "current" mentality, wasn't a problem to me.
Not that it was particularly delivered in any exceptional way as to give a minimal amount of fuck about it anyway...

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Re: Guardians of the Galaxy

Post by Mr. Oragahn » Tue Dec 16, 2014 11:05 pm

I'm just going to quote those previous reviews before they get lost in the chaotic currents of the interwebs.
Movie Habit wrote:
Guardians of the Galaxy

Review by Robert Denerstein

published August 1, 2014

See also review by Matt Anderson

Guardians of the Galaxy, another Marvel Studios space adventure, seems to have been cobbled together from diverse genre elements in an effort to achieve a supreme level of silliness — and that’s one of its good points.

You have to give some kind of credit to a movie that asks us to develop affection for a talking tree that does little more than repeat its name: “I am Groot.” Voice courtesy of Vin Diesel, who — as it turns out — may be better heard than seen.

Then there’s Rocket, a talking raccoon (voice by Bradley Cooper) who fills the obligatory wise-ass niche.

2001, this ain’t, but Guardians inoculates itself against serious criticism by adopting an ethos that goes something like this: Hey, we know this is crap, but we’ve gone through a lot of trouble to make the best crap possible.

If that’s too pejorative, substitute the word “junk” and you’re on your way.

To take the most generous view, it’s fair to call Guardians a celebration of genre junk: The movie’s director — James Gunn — also directed Slither, an unashamed and reasonably well-received B-movie from 2006. Guardians qualifies as a more expensive, but still unashamed leap into B-movie tropes.

Chris Pratt plays Peter Quill — a.k.a. Star Lord — a galactic scavenger who steals and re-sells his plunder.

The movie begins with a prologue explaining that Quill was born on Earth during the 1980s, but was abducted by aliens shortly after the death of his mother. The story then leaps ahead 26 years, locating itself in a mixed-species galaxy.

Familiar from TV’s Parks and Recreation and from small roles in Moneyball and Zero Dark Thirty, Pratt relaxes into a big screen lead as the mildly cynical hero who, in the end, takes his galactic responsibilities seriously and who clearly evokes memories of Star Wars’ Han Solo.

The drama revolves around a stolen object called The Orb, a soft-ball sized gizmo with major destructive powers. Lots of folks want to get their hands on The Orb, including Ronan the Accuser (Lee Pace).

Ronan yearns to destroy the planet Xander, which is led by Nova Prime, Glenn Close with a platinum blonde hairdo that curlicues upward like something that plopped out of a Dairy Queen spigot.

Is it possible to care whether Ronan succeeds? Not really: The movie’s fight against evil couldn’t be more generic: The intention, one presumes, is to keep the characters engaging enough to sustain involvement.

Sometimes it works.

Zoe Saldana plays Gamora, a green-skinned alien who’s also trying to take possession of The Orb, but who ultimately joins forces with Quill.

The other fledgling Guardians — aside from Rocket and Groot — include Drax (Dave Bautista), a heavily muscled hulk who comes from an alien race that has yet to master the concept of metaphors. No, really.

Then there’s Yondu (Michael Rooker), the space pirate who abducted Quill and who since has become his ostensible boss.

Gunn manages a couple of tender moments between Quill and Gamora, but they amount to little more than flirtations. The movie’s PG-13 rating derives from violence and language.

Guardians is one of those movies that blurs the line between violence and action. There’s plenty of it, although none of it struck me as particularly exciting absent anything more than the most perfunctory of rooting interests.

Gunn has given the movie the kind of borderlne cheesy look that requires lots of effort: Like Star Wars, Guardians tries to capture some of the cheap-looking innocence of a bygone days — albeit in hipper fashion.

Not your average comic book hero, Quill has a fondness for a mix tape that was given to him by his mother. Gunn uses ’70s music from this tape throughout, adding an element that may be foreign to younger audiences who know as much about Walkmans as they do about typewriters.

Will there be another Guardians movie?

Is The Orb round? Is Gamora green? Is Marvel an apparently bottomless well of comic-book characters?

I think you know the answer.
‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ is space junk

By Kyle Smith

July 31, 2014 | 12:01am
Modal Trigger

MOVIE REVIEW
Guardians of the Galaxy

Running time: 122 minutes. Rated PG-13 (profanity, violence, sexual innuendo). At the Empire, the Union Square, others.

“Guardians of the Galaxy” brings to mind some of the most unforgettable sci-fi event movies of the last 30 years. Alas, those films are “Howard the Duck” and “Green Lantern.”

Chris Pratt stars as an interstellar frat-boy Indiana Jones, out to steal and sell a precious orb that looks like a wire Christmas ornament from Pier 1 Imports. He teams up with a lady warrior (Zoe Saldana, this time in greenface) who is double-crossing her villainous boss; a wisecracking, Joisey-accented bounty-hunter raccoon (Bradley Cooper, stealing work from Gilbert Gottfried); a large killer plant who says only “I am Groot” (though Vin Diesel is the one they hired to say this); and Drax (Dave Bautista), a block of muscle and tats.

Our hero, scruff-faced earthling Peter (Pratt), speaks in the kind of slang that passes for wit down at Delta Psi — just keep saying “dude,” “chill” or “bro,” it’ll be hilarious. Drax issues dumb-guy chatter that’s meant to bring relief to low-IQ audience members. He doesn’t get metaphors, see? “Nothing goes over my head. My reflexes are too fast.” Hey, Drax, Joey Tribbiani thinks your shtick is old.

As the gang of outlaws whizzes around the universe, villains as fragile as Pringles line up to be obediently killed, amid dialogue that’s a jarring mix of fusty Conan-the-Barbarian-isms (“Spare me your foul gaze, woman”) and bro talk (“They got my d -  - k message!”). For background filler there are tunes from Peter’s beloved ’70s pop mixtape. Out: John Williams. In: “The Piña Colada Song.”

The movie isn’t a full-on spoof, like “A Million Ways To Die in Space.”

Instead, we’re actually supposed to get pumped up by the chaotic action, the dazzlingly detailed special effects and the mortal combat with blue-faced villains with bits of circuit board or seaweed stuck to their faces. The comedy is meant to deflate tension that isn’t there in the first place. Writer-director James Gunn keeps pulling the rug out without first bothering to trick anyone into standing on it.

It all goes by as slowly as an IRS audit because there’s no suspense: We learn at the outset that the screenwriters will, when stuck, simply dream up some new problem-solving gadget or superpower and give it, unexplained, to whomever needs it. Floating in space for a few seconds will kill you, unless it doesn’t.

Grasping an all-powerful golf ball of energy will destroy you, except it won’t. A large weapon will suddenly be tossed to the paws of the raccoon, or the walking tree will form a magical bird’s nest of love around the whole crew to protect them from a crash landing. When in doubt, cut to the potty-mouthed raccoon. Ha, ha, he’s saying “Holy s - - t!” or “Attention, idiots!” Straight out of “Howard the Duck.”

The one-liners in “Star Wars,” an obvious inspiration, got laughs while maintaining the illusion that the characters were in danger.

Here, a joke about “Footloose” does the opposite. Told that a legendary hero called Kevin Bacon saved the people who had sticks up their butts, Saldana’s character asks, “Who put the sticks up their butts?” It’s supposed to be Drax’s job to be the sitcom cretin here, but in “Guardians of the Galaxy” there’s so much stupid being delivered that everybody has to chip in.

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Mr. Oragahn
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Re: Guardians of the Galaxy

Post by Mr. Oragahn » Tue Dec 16, 2014 11:35 pm

Something rather puzzling happens in the mind of people.
I'm picking an example from a reddit rant thread about this movie.
victinof, 1 point 1 month ago wrote:
in my opinion it does not deserve the praise it gets because of plot holes, bad acting, clichés, cheesy hand holding climaxes. ect but it was not a bad movie either

in short I went in thinking it would be starship troopers, to my surprise it ended up being 5th element. but it is no star wars, not even close
Damn, The 5th Element was rather well done, stylish and exotic in comparison.
Anyways, the quotation is there for another reason.
Can someone explain this to me:

"in my opinion it does not deserve the praise it gets because of plot holes, bad acting, clichés, cheesy hand holding climaxes. ect but it was not a bad movie either"

So plot holes (which means the narrative is broken, makes the movie hard to believe) + bad acting (which means shitty characters, makes the movie impossible to relate to and equally hard to believe) + clichés (which means no surprise at all so it's boring) + cheesy hand holding climaxes (which means you don't give a crap about them, been there done that and they're embarrassing so it's a miracle you don't walk out of the theater) = not bad movie?

Which, in good logic, translates as follows:

not bad movie = good movie

The hell. Is it the magic of CGI or something?
I quote him because this kind of reasoning, I see it a damn lot these days. It's like people can't simply swallow their pride and admit that they just got fooled and wasted their time.
Somehow, they still have to come out seemingly satisfied after having ingested a full bread roll suffed with stinky skunk feces.
Or is it a fear about facing legions of butthurt fans pouncing at him? What is going on?
If the movie sucked, which it obviously did in the case of this fella, can't he just say, yep, this movie sucked big donkey balls? Would it make him bleed admiting this?

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Re: Guardians of the Galaxy

Post by Darth Spock » Wed Dec 17, 2014 1:27 am

Well now, this thread is entertainment enough to validate this movies existence! Quite entertaining.
I see now too, I'll need to get off my lazy arse and actually see this thing to find out who's "right." Although going in with such low expectations now, I'll probably enjoy it regardless. Kind of like how I actually enjoyed watching "Stealth" way back when despite fully expecting it to suck... Once. A second viewing and I almost went into a coma.

But hey, thinking of subjective opinions of uncultured masses, what's this all about:
Mr. Oragahn wrote: Hard to say, but what passes as "fun" in the US looks incredibly dumb outside.
You hate butterflies? You monster.
Mr. Oragahn wrote:Something rather puzzling happens in the mind of people.
I'm picking an example from a reddit rant thread about this movie.
victinof, 1 point 1 month ago wrote:
in my opinion it does not deserve the praise it gets because of plot holes, bad acting, clichés, cheesy hand holding climaxes. ect but it was not a bad movie either

in short I went in thinking it would be starship troopers, to my surprise it ended up being 5th element. but it is no star wars, not even close
Damn, The 5th Element was rather well done, stylish and exotic in comparison.
Anyways, the quotation is there for another reason.
Can someone explain this to me:

"in my opinion it does not deserve the praise it gets because of plot holes, bad acting, clichés, cheesy hand holding climaxes. ect but it was not a bad movie either"
So far there are only two movies mentioned in this thread I'm actually familiar with. One is Galaxy Quest, and really, who doesn't like that movie? As for The 5th Element, I see your point, it had a lot of quality points to it, but I personally hated it. Oddly enough it reminds me a lot of The Adventures of Pluto Nash, which seems to be universally hated, but I found far more enjoyable.
Then there's Memento, which is something else altogether. That movie was such a downer, I never want to see it again, but I'm sure glad I saw it once. I guess it's the difference between a fine marble sculpture of a horse's ass, and a pile of junk that just "works" when you look at it from the right angle.

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Re: Guardians of the Galaxy

Post by Mr. Oragahn » Wed Dec 17, 2014 11:09 pm

Darth Spock wrote:So far there are only two movies mentioned in this thread I'm actually familiar with. One is Galaxy Quest, and really, who doesn't like that movie?
Can't know, but wouldn't this be a useful yardstick, a SF-SpaceOpera-Comedy movie with nice effects and all that which other similar movies should be compared to?
Never give up...
As for The 5th Element, I see your point, it had a lot of quality points to it, but I personally hated it. Oddly enough it reminds me a lot of The Adventures of Pluto Nash, which seems to be universally hated, but I found far more enjoyable.
5th Element is... odd. It's rather unusual, the setting is widely encompassing, interstellar and not really serious, down to the city designs, habits, the peoples and their clothes, precisely like GotG.
I think its cast really looms miles above that of GotG.

- Gary Oldman, Zorg. I'd be tempted to say that one might watch the movie just for him.
- Mila Jovovich is cute/funny. Not memorable but I think one or two catchphrases (multipass) somehow did pull her character high enough to have some kind of... err... flesh, substance. Nothing fancy, but good enough.
- Bruce Willis, well, he's kinda mute but I suppose he does the action part well. Strike that, no matter what, Willis has the style (and luckily the movie got done before he started to show signs of "too old for that shit"). It's no mistake that he gave life to McTiernan's Die Hard. Somehow, I'd say no one should expect more from his character but since the movie simply focused on him saving the punchy-funky lady with gusto in a lighthearted way, perhaps that's fine?
- Chris Tucker. Ok, that's probably where many people would get put off (besides the movie's own strange style). Either you hate what he does and that's basically bye bye for 5th, or you enjoy him. I personnally found his character over the top and extravagant to the extreme, but that was the point and played by Tucker with a torrent of energy. He was a sidekick anyway. I liked him, so yes, that makes the movie a good one for me.
- And Brion James as the general, I thought he really did fit the role.

Also, curiously enough, despite the overall movie's attitude and abundant colours and quirky tone, the clear bits of humour remain rather restrained; aside from Tucker's role, who represented the more slapstick layer of humour there is to find, obviously.
The plot is kinda basic, in a way, but the enemies do behave like they should, and there's enough of a small twist in the end. Zorg is callous and cares for his butt, only his butt. Anyone else is expandable as long as he survives the apocalypse. Mr Shadow is an evil moon (pardon me?) and does go straight for the Earth without wasting time in whatever unnecessary exposure. That's what's cool in fact, contrary to oh so many enemies: Mr. Shadow is ruthless and his goal remains as clear as brutal: slam the Earth. So he can only be defeated with an equally no BS, direct and immediate solution: a MEGA LAZ0R BEAM of ELEMENTAL FORCES and LOVE. HAHAHA that's so disco. :D
Then there's Memento, which is something else altogether. That movie was such a downer, I never want to see it again, but I'm sure glad I saw it once. I guess it's the difference between a fine marble sculpture of a horse's ass, and a pile of junk that just "works" when you look at it from the right angle.
Oh yes, I remember that one. Same thing. If you leave the praise outside, I still watched a movie where I thought it lacked something to really make the final twist some mind blowing moment.
Sometimes, you realize that said twist is nothing more than the result of the writers putting the script down on paper by starting from the end, like for many cop shows, and you're all "oh ah", but something was amiss here.
A twist one could compare to Usual Suspects' pony trick, even if I'd go as far as to say that the twist in question wasn't necessarily that spectacular and not exactly that logical either, but the whole movie was well acted and done so it was a good time to me. With Memento, I must admit I kinda fell asleep at times.

Going back to GotG, I've got to point a few more things about the characters. The movie is a rush, so their treatment is superficial. As someone on either reviews or board I linked to pointed out, Drax the Destroyer turns into a softie and teams with people, makes new friends out of them in no time flat. What a damn let down. The so called dark and dramatic backdrop is completely blasted to pieces for the movie to move on.
And what to say of Gamora? She's supposed to have worked for Ronan and helped him do his dirty job, she should be just as ruthless as your monday morning Politburo high commander, but then she turns nice right off the bat, makes friends and even gets bromance.
Come on, that's shit.
As I said the only consistent dude was Yondu (is that his name, blue guy with some red apparatus atop of his skull).
Battles are totally anticlimatic.
In fact, the only moment when some kind of skirmish looks tense and enjoyable is when Quill grabs the orb and escapes Ronan's men. There's a no BS attitude, he shoots them down, uses all tricks he has in his jacket to either barely escape death or capture.
It's curious how some negative critics also consider the beginning of the as the most enjoyable part. Not saying stellar, but not cringe worthy.

Finally, I really find it of poor taste to give GotG so much praise just because it uses music from the 70s. Is that all it takes? Trying to hit the nostalgia nerve or sheer semi-vintage coolness (which would, we suppose, automatically bring a minimal level of respect to the movie?), and grab the cash from movie goers?

Besides... a Sony walkman that still works after 25 years of constant use?
Do they sell walkman spare parts on this gayworld of Xandar? :)
Last edited by Mr. Oragahn on Tue Jan 13, 2015 2:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Guardians of the Galaxy -----> no it doesn't suck

Post by sonofccn » Thu Dec 18, 2014 2:19 pm

Well, thanks to Mr. Oragahn sterling review I'm happy to say I've gone out and bought my own copy of Guardians of the Galaxy to enjoy despite my intense biase against Marvel in general. Yeah :)

More seriously I found the film enjoyable. Not Citizen Kane but a nice, easy, entertaining popflick where I can sit back, relax and enjoy some heroics, pretty visuals and action sequences while escaping the humdrum world for a couple of hours. Not unlike Star Wars in that regard.

But more important than any one persons opinion on a film's merits is whether a film can convince the public to trade their hard earned dollars in exchange for it. Putting bums in the seats being the ultimate purpose and job of any comerical movie after all and by such metric Guardians of the Galaxy was a success. Perhaps even more so than the Fifth Element, a movie I personally found overly labored and stale, which has been mentioned in comparison in this thread.

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Re: Guardians of the Galaxy -----> it sucks, yes

Post by sonofccn » Thu Dec 18, 2014 2:38 pm

Mr. Oragahn wrote:It's really the mark of a damned fragile plot that missing one single line (and when did it happen?) makes the whole difference between WTF and ah ok.
When important points are, well, important, good movies do make sure that the point is properly conveyed.
Actually its said at least twice. Once after we're first introduced to the Ravagers and complaning Yondu has always been soft on the "boy", Star lord, they mentioned he was cargo and should have been delivered then at the end they specificly state they were hired by Star Lord's father to pick him up. And obviously the fact Star Lord's mother describes his father as an "angel" who came down in bright light in a movie with aliens was a bit of a hint. In fact watching it cold I assumed the alien ship was his father's.

But in any event its a minor problem and hardly damning since this movie isn't about how Star Lord got into space but rather how he and the rest became the, title drop, Guardians of the Galaxy and saved the universe.

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