ID4 City Destroyer VS GotG's Ronan the Executive

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Mr. Oragahn
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ID4 City Destroyer VS GotG's Ronan the Executive

Post by Mr. Oragahn » Sat Dec 13, 2014 1:32 am

So, it starts that way:

There's one dumb planet, Ratatap IV, with a convenient large metropolis (built by a long bygone ancient civilization), utterly devoid of any military defense. It's currently inhabitated by a humanoid collective of complete retards and everyone in the galaxy just hates them. The mere fact that they're allowed to breathe or look at the stars is considered heinous crime across an entire quadrant of the Milky Way.
They're also seen as a potential plague because the Ratatapians are so dumb that they actually radiate their idiocy into space, so anyone approaching this wretched planet is bound to make some dumb mistake at some point, potential loss of life included.

For some reason, the ID4 aliens have sent only one ship there and really, really want to burn that city. They think it will be enough and they don't really want to waste more assets on what would probably be recorded as a mere monday morning eradication procedure in the bowels of the Bureau of Boring and Useless Archives, in sublevel 413.

Meanwhile, Ronan the Angry, Petulant and Frothing Executive is (conspicuously) massively pissed at the mere presence of this planet and sees a formidable political opportunity there in doing whatever appears necessary to put an end to the existence of this world.
He's embarking aboard his convoluted ship, featuring the useless Rubik's Cube tech which allows both ends of his stick-ship to spin for sheer coolness (no one mocks him about this silly design because he's rather trigger happy).
He's also basically looking for any excuse to use the purple infinite stone embeded in his hammer and be called the biggest Starcunt across a thousand systems. So he's definitely headed for this insufferable planet.

Still, ID4 aliens don't like Ronan (they think he's an overdramatic whiny diva) and would love to bitchslap him. It turns out that they'll have the chance to precisely do that, there and now, and humiliate him once and for all.
On the other hand, Ronan won't let the anonymous interspace tentacle-bearing trolls screw him and his mighty Lordish agenda.

Both sides will move their respective big ship into the atmosphere of Ratatap IV and position them above the only one shiny metropolis I mentionned earlier on.
ID4 aliens must shot the blue beam, like in the movie, to burn the city. If they manage to do it, they win.
Ronan must land his Dark Aster and slam his hammer into the ground. If he does that, planet is toasted and he wins.
Consider the guy tougher than a human, capable of withstanding what he survived in the movie, but a one kilometer free fall will still turn him into a splashy messy pulp.

Since both sides are affected by the radiation of stupidity emanating from the surface of Ratatap IV, ID4 aliens think that cutting off the shielding systems will make their city burner much more powerful and allow them to torch the entire planet in one shot.
Ronan, on the other hand, is convinced for some debilitating reason that he really has to land the entire damned Dark Aster, but only after slowing it down and parking it a couple miles above the metropolis, uselessly waiting for some anguishingly long minutes before actually thinking about punching the gas pedal, if the path is clear.

Of course it's also good news that both sides have never heard of the concpet of point defense guns, heavy turrets or anything similar to a nuke.

Both sides also are made aware of the enemy's main weapon and objective. On top of that, they're told that they won't be able to complete their objective if they don't get rid of the enemy's forces, but they might attempt using their main weapon right off the bat though (see this as an alt scenario if you want, dumb things can happen twice so who knows).

By random plot twist, both ships happen to be hovering like twenty miles away from each other.

Good luck to both factions, this is truely a epic and dumb versus with tons of potential.
Or not.

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Re: ID4 City Destroyer VS GotG's Ronan the Executive

Post by Mr. Oragahn » Thu Jan 15, 2015 2:43 pm

retweet'd

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Re: ID4 City Destroyer VS GotG's Ronan the Executive

Post by Darth Spock » Thu Feb 19, 2015 2:04 am

Well, I can finally have some fun with this funk-trocity now that I've finally seen GotG. I'm not really sure what to think of Ronan. Besides being an over-the-top bad guy, I can't quite tell how "tough" he really is supposed to be. Lazy/Sloppy Back Stories 'R Us FTL. For the ID4 aliens, in their defense, I don't really think of their city destroyer ships as weapons, so much as interplanetary bulldozers. Who needs to be a good fighter when you can sit on your tentacled butt and knock every thing down from behind your shield? Ok, sooooo, no shields for the telepathic squealers, and the xenocidal cultist is bent on planting his butt on the surface to chant is condemnation of "Ratass" land before the all important "hammer time." Gotcha. So it begins....


The camera pans down from the endless fields of stars to show the brilliant glowing orb of a world. A gleaming city comes into view, laid out in the pattern of a smiley face upon its amber surface. You can feel your IQ dropping just from gazing upon this fabled dumbtopia. A giant, charcoal gray Frisbee can be seen gliding over the surface of the world, from its entry into the atmosphere on the far side, moving inexorably toward the glimmering twisty towers of the city of eternal stupidity. Ronan's "Atramental Flower" now comes into view, looking like a dark raptor of death.... No wait, it's spinning and the angle changed, now it looks like a twirling helix of black painted toothpicks glued together.... No, a flying submarine, with a big window, and some docking bays on its sides.... As the vessel descends ominously towards the surface, the citizens of Ratatap IV can be seen banging their drums all day in long parades, celebrating the return of Elvis aboard the alien vessels as foretold in the ancient prophecy of Pa Rum from the Pum Pum Pum province.

Meanwhile, as the Frisbee of Death™ moves into position near the city, the Drab Spinning Flower of Destruction™ begins firing its retro rockets, triggering the tentacle head's deep-seated fear of flashing light bulbs. In a panic, they pull back and fire their Anti-Flashy-Lights-Attached-To-Whirly-Aeronautical-Craft-Defense-Cannons™ (AFLATWACDC), only to discover that their weapons are deflected by a mysterious energy field. After a moment’s hesitation, they launch all fighter craft, using what remains of their tactical genius to bypass the mysterious energy barrier by going around it. Ronan's forces, stupefied by the tactical brilliance of this implacable foe, endure a blistering barrage of glowing viridescent fecal projectiles from this new threat. After the communication system is brought back on-line, careful analysis of the damage reports from around the ship commences. As expected, the damage is negligible, limited only to the artificial gravity generators servicing the space latrines, typically the first system to fail in combat. An inexperienced junior grade officer panics however, and scrambles all fighters. The incompetent coward, clearly under the influence of the planets radiating idiocy, is promptly executed for insubordination.

Meanwhile, the Daughters of Medusa™ begin a hive-mind conference, and come to the realization that if they can incinerate the city now, they can then turn the shields back on and relive the childhood joy of bumper saucers, slicing through their rotating nemesis like a predatory telepath tearing through the mind of a crackpot golden boy researcher. We see the primary weapon of the Disk-O-Doom™ slowly emerge with azure luminosity while ferocious dog fights continue between the two behemoths lingering weightlessly above the city. Ronan lunges from his throne before the massive view port as this harbinger of defeat sparks with power from the ventral portal of the opposing craft. In a vengeful rage, he swings his Mighty Mallet of Malice™ in a great sweeping motion, shattering the armored glass before him, ejaculating a wave of otherworldly energy toward the alien weapon threatening his galactic superiority. The mighty surge of glowing power crashes against the primary weapon of the Pestilent Pie Plate™, causing it to shudder violently as it is racked with a chain of explosions. The tentacled exterminators which remained alive emanate the agonized screech of a thousand scalded cats, while a string of telepathic obscenities are issued forth into the eather. Ronan's victory against this remaining obstacle to galactic domination is short lived however, as the opposing vessel, aglow with the flames of defeat seething from weak points in its hull, lists directly into the path of the Tinker Toy of Terror™. The two floating cities collide with a force that quakes the heavens, and the two flaming behemoths descend toward their final resting places alongside the few remaining structures of the city below.

The Rat-Trapians by now have concluded that the King is dead, never to return, and begin planning celebrations for the defeat of the evil invaders to be hosted in the only undamaged community center. Suddenly, and completely unexpectedly, Ronan emerges unscathed from the burning hulk of his ship, as the denizens of the city look on in disbelief. He begins chanting an alien proclamation condemning the planet to it's fate, savoring his moment of delicious victory, when a young man emerges from the crowd, a small device clipped to his belt, with wires trailing up to his ears. The would-be world destroyer stops in the middle of his monologue, staring in disbelief as the young man suddenly begins disco pointing, followed by an energetic performance of the funky chicken. The hero's bold attempt to save his threatened world back-fires however. While it was true that the power of disco would make the heads of hostile aliens explode, similar to a brilliant strategy he had once seen used in a movie (but more groovy), he forgot that he was still wearing headphones, and instead, succeeded only in causing his own head to explode. His sacrifice was not in vain however, while Ronan was distracted, a small gray rodent and his tall, umber hued compatriot appear suddenly behind the villain. The mighty moose throws Rocky with all his might directly at Ronan's infernal device, so that he might fly away with it before this dastardly monster can perform his evil deed. As the aeronautical squirrel contacts the instrument of destruction however, he bursts into a brilliant purple flame, at which the villain cackles with glee. "No mere mortal can control the stone, it's shear power will burn you to the bone!" he explained, before gleefully shouting "You can't touch this! Hammer time!" He then brandishes the deadly implement high above his head, before bringing it to the ground with a mighty crash. The evil despot cackles with delight as waves of destructive power emanate outward, consuming all life on this vacuous world.

Ronan, gloating over his accomplishment, swaggers back to his ship, and begins issuing commands to his crew, to repair the engines and remove him from this accursed world, so that he may view his handiwork from orbit. But there is no reply. Sparking conduits hang from the ceilings like synthetic vines overgrown from their proper places. The ship is in shambles, a lost temple to the technology that once bridged the stars. The last hope of escape from the planet was extinguished as the power of the stone washed over the planet, killing the only surviving engineer aboard the Dim Bloom™, as well as overloading every power cell aboard. The newly ascended Destroyer of Worlds™ finds himself trapped, a victim of his own plot, left to forever rot on this imbecilic world. His only dim hope is that he may perhaps hitch a ride on a Starfleet vessel, if he can convince them he is a deity. But it is an eventuality not to come. As the years progress, he descends deeper into madness, and begins sculpting figures from stone, subsequently declaring himself to be Rocko the Aggregate, king of the rock people. The surrounding sectors of space flourished, however. With the tentacled ones gone, the blue zealot imprisoned, and the radiant stupidity of the indigenous peoples eradicated, the dimensional universe of reverie prospered, leaving only the second and third stupidest worlds of Spaceball and Spengo to infect the cosmos. And there was much rejoicing. Yay.

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