The Orange Star: A More Powerful Version of The Death Star I

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Tyralak
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Re: The Orange Star: A More Powerful Version of The Death Star I

Post by Tyralak » Thu Jul 15, 2010 6:29 am

Time Lords pwn all.

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Re: The Orange Star: A More Powerful Version of The Death Star I

Post by Mike DiCenso » Thu Jul 15, 2010 7:03 am

The Photino Birds and the Xelee would eat them for breakfast, and you know it.
-Mike

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Re: The Orange Star: A More Powerful Version of The Death Star I

Post by Youngla0450 » Thu Jul 15, 2010 6:46 pm

Mike DiCenso wrote:The Photino Birds and the Xelee would eat them for breakfast, and you know it.
-Mike
Who are the "Xelee"? The "Photino Birds". They must be a government consisting of only around two hundred million worlds, or are they larger?

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Re: The Orange Star: A More Powerful Version of The Death Star I

Post by Mike DiCenso » Fri Jul 16, 2010 6:27 am

The Xelee and their adversaries, the Photino Birds are from Stephan Baxter's Xelee Sequence of stories that take place in Humanity's far future many tens of thousands of years hence in some of the later stories. The Xelee are billions of years old, have dominion over most of the known universe and build on the scale of megaparsecs.

The Photino Birds on the other hand are a species of dark matter entities that inhabit the gravity wells of stars and are responsible for the aging of stars so that they do not go supernova, but in the process will render the universe uninhabitable for baryonic life. They are not evil as we understand it, they simply have no concept that what they are doing is harmful because they have no idea that baryonic lifeforms even exist.
-Mike

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Re: The Orange Star: A More Powerful Version of The Death Star I

Post by Youngla0450 » Sat Jul 17, 2010 4:59 am

Mike DiCenso wrote:The Xelee and their adversaries, the Photino Birds are from Stephan Baxter's Xelee Sequence of stories that take place in Humanity's far future many tens of thousands of years hence in some of the later stories. The Xelee are billions of years old, have dominion over most of the known universe and build on the scale of megaparsecs.

The Photino Birds on the other hand are a species of dark matter entities that inhabit the gravity wells of stars and are responsible for the aging of stars so that they do not go supernova, but in the process will render the universe uninhabitable for baryonic life. They are not evil as we understand it, they simply have no concept that what they are doing is harmful because they have no idea that baryonic lifeforms even exist.
-Mike
Interesting, indeed.

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Re: The Orange Star: A More Powerful Version of The Death Star I

Post by Mike DiCenso » Sun Jul 18, 2010 11:30 pm

You shoud read those books, along with Ian Bank's Culture series so youcan understand how to properly write stories set in a unvierse with super-powerful interstellar and or galactic civilizations.
-Mike

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Re: The Orange Star: A More Powerful Version of The Death Star I

Post by Youngla0450 » Tue Jul 20, 2010 9:54 pm

This topic is inactive now.

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Mr. Oragahn
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Re: Size of the Federation vs Galactic Empire's Size

Post by Mr. Oragahn » Sat Jul 24, 2010 3:13 am

Mike DiCenso wrote:
Mr. Oragahn wrote:
Mike DiCenso wrote:You lie!
-Mike
A rather daring statement. Evidence would be requested.
Because it doesn't exist, like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny!
-Mike
You know, one of the best threads I've read is one where people quantified Santa Claus and his little Empire.

The EB, I can't tell, he seems to be more of a lose electron.

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Re: The Orange Star: A More Powerful Version of The Death Star I

Post by Mike DiCenso » Sun Jul 25, 2010 10:06 pm

Well, sound like great fun. When you find it again, post it!
-Mike

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Mith
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Re: The Orange Star: A More Powerful Version of The Death Star I

Post by Mith » Tue Aug 17, 2010 2:02 am

Youngla0450 wrote:I have written a story on a "Orange Star", which is a more powerful and more advanced version of the Death Star. It's superlaser and defenses are superior, and there are little-no flaws. Here is the link, and please comment on it:

http://imagine.wikia.com/wiki/Orange_Star
After scrolling down and skimming through the means of power generation, FTL speeds, history, weapons, and so forth, I've come to the conclusion that no woman will ever, ever touch you. Ever.

Ever.




No, not even then.



EDIT: To be more specific as to why...
1. How do they get around-The population have their own vessels of course, unlike the Federation. Transportation is basically the same as Star Wars.
Jesus Christ. There's a sort of rule in show business, basically that being that you don't reference better movies than your own. Similar, you shouldn't reference better franchises than your own made up universe in an effort to take a pot shot.

Of course, if you knew anything about Star Trek, you'd know that people do own their own shuttles and in fact, freighters. Captain Sisko's wife owned her own ship for fuck sake.
2.What are their cultures-The main culture is the Calathrinan race. They rule the Empire. They look just like Humans, but are five times stronger and two times smarter.
In other words, they are humans, but five times stronger, two times smarter, and a quadrillion times better than anything else in existence...right?
Other cultures include cultures based on the Vulcans, Romulans, Cardassians, etc.
As in, ripped off from better written and developed sci-fi species which means that if you ever managed to get this sorry piece published, Paramount would be down your throat so fast we'd develop warp drive.
They also have cultures in which women rule, cultures in which men rule only, etc.
Oh wow, that's original. I mean, it's not like I could list off a hundred different franchises, cultures, and what not that ahve those exact same things. My, how incredibly fascinating your story's government is.
3.What do folks do for fun-They have entertainment similar to Star Wars and Star Trek, including holodeck entertainment, holographic movies, regular real-world like movies, art, radio, television, etc.
Again, more theft.

The worst part of it isn't that you're just stealing other people's hard work. It's the fact that the entire point of what he asked you for flew over your head.
Stuff on government policy will come soon.
Oh...how exciting.
I promise you, that I will improve my behavior. I PROMISE YOU I WILL IMPROVE MYSELF, TRIONOYA!
Did this suddenly become a bad episode of Bleach?

In short kid, you need to practice writing. Write some really, really horrible shit in some journals and practice getting better. Then burn them. Burn them and kill anyone whose read them (assuming they survived the experience). When you can actually write something that doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes out, come back.

Yes, I'm being rude. Yes, it's cruel and possibly inflamatory. But it needs to be said. Your writing sucks. It's so bad that I'm not even going to comment on pacing, characters, plot, and development--because it doesn't exist in this sad excuse of a paragraph. Take it from someone farther down the path than you; you suck. You suck hard.

Read books, take notes of what they do, how they do it, when the do it, and most importantly, WHY they do it. Assuming your skill progression is from this point, as fast as mine, we'll see you in four to six years.

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Re: The Orange Star: A More Powerful Version of The Death Star I

Post by Mr. Oragahn » Tue Aug 17, 2010 2:48 am

Mith, I must thank you, and applaud your temerity and courage for going through that to bring us back those samples of mediocrity.
Keeps the hands clean.

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Re: The Orange Star: A More Powerful Version of The Death Star I

Post by Mith » Tue Aug 17, 2010 3:23 am

Mr. Oragahn wrote:Mith, I must thank you, and applaud your temerity and courage for going through that to bring us back those samples of mediocrity.
Keeps the hands clean.
I've read My Immortal. Even Young's writing isn't that bad. Here's the entirety of chapter one and two...and Oraghan...I am sorry. I am so, so sorry:

Chapter One

Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

“What’s up Draco?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.


Chapter Two

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.  


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Re: The Orange Star: A More Powerful Version of The Death Star I

Post by Mike DiCenso » Tue Aug 17, 2010 4:34 am

No, don't frakin' ever post that slimey crap here ever again, or I'll make sure JMS permabans you for that. Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" is one of the most awful of the awful fanfic stories to be posted on the internet. And what you posted was I believe a sample of that so-called story that was actually edited to make it somewhat more comprehensible. Hell, I'd almost rather read Stephen Ratliff''s Marissa Picard stories than any part of My Immortal.
-Mike

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Mith
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Re: The Orange Star: A More Powerful Version of The Death Star I

Post by Mith » Tue Aug 17, 2010 4:39 am

I consider it a crude, but efficient method of instruction of the really, really bad. As for editing, I'm not sure. It goes downhill from there. Towards the end it's almost impossible to understand without a flow chart.

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Re: The Orange Star: A More Powerful Version of The Death St

Post by Khas » Wed Sep 08, 2010 5:00 pm

Meh. My Immortal is a cakewalk compared to Eevee TF TG. *shudders*

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