Starfleet Jedi

I am writing a Star Wars fanfic. Will be posting later.(Not right now because I reformatted today and screwed up the driver for my wireless card...somehow. So the story is on a computer with no internet access.) I am using this as an introductory post for the story, and also to ask for some advice.

I will be posting once a week, if possible, occasionally more often. I will try for once a week.

The story takes place many years after Return of the Jedi. It actually takes place many years after the Legacy comic that somone has linked to before(l33telboi?), which takes place 130 years after RotJ.

The story is very charater driven, and will have very little tehnological information. There are many things that I have not yet specified in the story, because I am not sure of specific details. I just know where I will be taking the story.

Now, for the advice request... I chose to write the prologue in the present tense. I did not realize it would be so hard to make the story flow that way. So, so hard. I was thinking of moving to am more detached, and traditional, third person, past progressive tense. The problem I have, is that the prologue works, in my eyes, very well in the present tense. It just so damn awkward to write. I was wondering if it would be appropriate to switch the tense for the rest of the story, but leave for the prologue. I thought it might work since the prologue is almost a seperate work, and am sure that I have seen this style used before. What do you think?

I seem to have accidentally put this on the wrong board. Could JMS maybe move it to the appropriate board? I feel rather stupid for making this mistake.

Keep it in the present tense.

GStone wrote:Keep it in the present tense.

This was so difficult, though.

Clash of Philosophies

Prologue


The Planet Rendilli, Formerly Chiss Ascendancy, a Galaxy Far, Far Away

The planet Rendilli inhabits an area of space located in what was once called the Unknown Regions, outside the reaches of the once mighty Chiss Ascendancy. It is a large, beautiful world, filled with many different and amazing species of flora and fauna, the most dangerous of which rival the krayt dragon of tatooine in size, and the gundark in ferocity. Because of these deadly beasts and plants, it is a planet that is often used as an example proving the phrase “looks can be deceiving”, for many an adventurer has been lulled into a sense of unreasonable security and fallen prey to the luscious environment. These are the very reasons that Jasiim Vudal, a Force visionary and leader of the current rebellion in the Chiss Ascendancy, chose this planet for his personal fortress, and the rebellion's main base of operation. Jasiim Vudal, with his penchant for recruiting promising Jedi into his own Force cult that preaches revenge and retribution as being the duty of all Force users, was, in turn, the reason for Jedi Master Lucean Gios' arrival at the planet Rendilli in a small, stealthy skiff.

The Coruscanti Jedi Master once presented, in his younger days, and fierce and unforgiving visage that instilled fear into the hearts of those foolish enough to challenge his competency with a lightsaber,but, at the age of 62 galactic standard years, his appearance calms and reassures those lucky enough to find themselves in his company. As the slim, yet fit, Jedi Master slinks through the dangerous forests surrounding Vudal's massive fortress, Lucean allows himself to slip into the Force, feeling the flow of life all around him, seeking for the presence of Jassu Caedow. After the briefest and most casual search possible, he finds his target and pulls in upon himself, while maintaining concentration upon Jassu's Force Presence. It really wasn't that hard of a task, given the strength of Caedow's Force Aura.

“Ah, yes,” the Jedi whispers, “your power has grown.” He allows himself a small smile, “but you are still clumsy as bantha.” With that small monologue, Master Gios continues his arduous trip through the trap-filled jungle before him.

Within minutes, the silent, stealthy, Jedi finds himself by the perimeter of the fortress, not far from a sentry shack. Lucean allows himself a another small, knowing smile and becomes one with the shadows, leaving no physical trace of his approach toward the two clueless sentries. He maintains his cover until he is standing in between the two guards, then returns to reality.

It is several seconds until the right most sentry notices the small, calm breaths coming from his left. He turns his head just in time to see Master Gios' lightsaber snap to life. The emerald blade leaves a pleasant, colorful fan of light in the darkness, as it quickly and efficiently slices through the power blasters belonging to the sentries. With one complex motion made with his lightsaber hand, the Jedi throws one sentry into the wall of the massive complex, and leaves the remaining guard with a dazed look upon his face.

“You will report to your head of security, tell him that a Jedi is attacking the complex, then take a nap.” The blank look upon the man's face is slowly replaced by one of confused purpose.

“I will report to my head of security, tell him that a Jedi is attacking the complex, then take a nap.” And with that, the guard turns and presses his hand to his comlink. After he has reported to his superior officer, and receiving a chastisement, he lays down upon the floor to fall asleep.

All non Force users are ordered to retire from duty, and told that they are to be replaced by Vudal's special troops, but some are too slow to respond. The Jedi is too quick as he advances through the complex, leaving one of each pair of guards unconscious, and one to report his attack. Master Gios had thought long and hard about the most efficient way to accomplish his goal, he had decided to allow all of Vudal's “Force Magisters” to track him, so that they were aware of his deeds. It was clear to him that this was an essential part of the plan, because the Force told him so. So, as he travels the last few meters before the area where he knew five Magisters would ambush him, an realizes the purpose for his blatant and theatrical invasion, he allows himself another small smile.

As soon as Gios; foot reaches the fork in the passage, five lightsabers flare to life with a loud snap hiss. As quickly as the Magisters appear, they are defeated. As the Jedi travesties slump against the walls that Lucean's Force Wave through them, the intruder allows himself to, once again, draw in upon himself and become one with the shadows.

“Yes Jassu, I shall show you just how clumsy you are.” The Jedi wraith moves up the passage, amplifying his presence to his former pupil, while keeping it shut away from all others. In minutes, his prey is upon him, and he allows himself to sink back to reality, turning to look into the eyes of his former padiwan, whose green eyes reflects the red glow of his lightsaber.

“I have you cornered, Jedi scum!,” screams Jassu, apparently without recognizing his former master.

“Why Jassu, I do believe that should be Master Jedi Scum, coming from you.” Lucean gives his once prised pupil a kind, yet admonishing look. “After all of my lessons, you seem to have forgotten your manners.”

“I-I...” Jassu lets his sentence trail away, and surprise and anger seep into his voice. “Your lessons mean nothing! You have aided the oppressors by invading this Fortress! I have you cornered!” And with that, he raises his leg into a kick. Master Gios responds with a tiny exertion in the Force, cushioning the blow and dropping gracefully to his knees; Jassu seems not to notice.

“Yes, you do cornered, Jassu. And on that I congratulate you.” Lucean pauses and follows a trail illuminated for him by the Force. “Only you could have found my presence while I was hiding in the Force. You've grown strong, you know...”

Lucean winces as his former apprentice fails his test. “Yes, I have. No thanks to you. I have you at my mercy.”


Master Gios sighs before replying, “If that is true, why don't you report your deed to your superiors? They might like to know that you have caught me, you see.” Jassu's face falls in embarrassment as he thumbs on his comlink.

“Master Vudal! I've caught him!He's here!” The voice on the other end of the signal was low and well cultured.

“Kill him. We must demonstrate our superiority to the Jedi Order. It will not do to allow him to leave alive. We shall send his body back in a slave driven ship.” Jassu's face pales as he prepares to deal the killing blow.

“Yes, master.” Jassu raises his weapon to deal the blow, but is stopped by Vudal's voice from the comlink.

“Not with your lightsaber!” Chills crawl down Jassu's spine at his master's display of power. He could feel Jasiim Vudal's presence; it was not near enough to allow his master to set his eyes upon this scene. He was seeing it through the Force. “Behead him with his own blade.”

“Here you go.” The words sound helpful rather than scornful and disgusted, a testament to Master Gios' mental determination, as he uses the Force to levitate his lightsaber in front of Jassu. “Do make it quick, I would rather not feel pain.”

“You are not going to try to stop me? Do you wish to die?” Lucean's sigh does not escape the young Magister's senses this time.

“I want to die no more than you do, potentially less.” He pauses to give his youthful captor a significant look. “We both want to survive for differing reasons. You wish to survive to satisfy your own greed, to quench the bloodlust of your chosen indoctrination. I wish to survive in order to serve the Force. To preserve life and uphold justice throughout the galaxy. I wish to survive to fulfill my mission, which is to remove you from your position with Jasiim Vudal. With your consent, or without it.” Lucean allows a concerned look to engulf his face. “You have become rather important to his immoral revolution. You have taken many Chiss lives, and you have ordered the death of many more Chiss. You have used your tactical abilities to help Jasiim claim planets, and slaves.” Master Gios sighs, and a trace of a tear creeps into his voice. “Without you, we believe his progress will halt, for a time. While the reprieve will be brief, it is necessary. You have made it so. I have been ordered to kill you if necessary.”

The silence that settles as master Gios finishes his plea to his apprentice, for that is what it is, is unimaginably cold. The silence is broken by an impatient voice from Jassu's comlink.

“Kill him!!” Jassu brings his lightsabers down and forward, into the Jedi's neck...

Master Gios frowns, the blades meeting no resistance as they slice through his Force illusion. Master Gios allows his disappointment seep into the Force, until it threatens drown out all else; no Magiser, or Vudal, who Lucean had sensed watching during his conversation with Jassu, would see this.

“You have learned nothing, Jassu!,” Gios bellows as he jumps from his hiding place on a nearby roof, using the Force to call both his and Jassu's lightsabers to him. His Force Illusion vanishes, as Jassu turns, blaster flying toward his hands...then away from them, toward Master Gios. One slash with his lightsaber disables the weapon, a continuation of the motion deactivates the weapon and stows it inside his robe. Still brandishing Jassu's crimson blade, Gios proceeds to scold his former pupil.

“Nothing, but anger and hatred, revenge and retribution. You have abandoned control for power, you have lost yourself to greed. These are not the nature of the Force. These are not the ways of the Jedi. These are the ways of the dark side, the ways of the Sith. Your master's Force cult is nothing but a more tamed version of the Sith Order, and Order of evil.” Gios pauses, letting his concerned glare fall upon the young Magister. “I was sent to relieve of power, and now I shall. I have completed my mission and more, for I have shown your master the incompetency of his Order. Now you are at my mercy. You will come with me.”

“No, Master Gios, I shall not.” Jassu slides a lightsaber out of his robe. “You have underestimated me, now you shall die.”

A smile crosses Lucean's face. “This changes little, but it does seem as if you are not completely inept with the Force, I didn't sense that you were hiding anything.” Gios inspects his stolen lightsaber. “This is not the model that I taught you to make. This is Vudal's model. He always claimed that his model was superior when he attempted to enter the Order as a master.” Jassu is unable to mask his puzzlement. “Oh, yes. He tried to enter the Order. Too old, self taught, unstable. It wasn't allowed. I have always wanted to try one of his models.”

“You have finally gotten your chance, too bad I am about to embarrass my old master.”

“Oh no, you overestimate yourself. You shall suffer the biggest embarrassment of your life. There is nothing worse than losing to your own lightsaber. A lesson I shall now teach you, as Master Gratz once taught me...” Without any noticeable warning, the Jedi Master attacks, swinging his lightsaber low toward Jassu's feet, before bringing it up to meet Jassu's original Jedi blade before the young Magister anticipated. Mater Gios twirls his blade, Jassu's flys upward and arcs gracefully into the old Master's hand. “You, see, when you go down the path you've chosen, sacrificing technique for power,” an elbow to the head knocks Jassu to the ground, “you lose yourself amongst the power, your movements become clumsy. That is all I shall tech you tonight.” A flick of his hand smacks Jassu's head into theground. Before passing into blissful nothingness, he hears Master Gios speaking to himself.

“Yes, an extraordinary weapon indeed...feels alive...-ood-thirsty...” Before Gios could speak another word, Jassu slips into unconsciousness. Later, he would awake in a familiar environment...his childhood home.

Some typos and some words missing, but it's good.

GStone wrote:Some typos and some words missing, but it's good.

These are very hard mistakes for me to avoid. Very hard. I need an editor. I just get too caught up in all the other aspects of composition.

It did have some interesting aspects (indeed, I rarely read fanfics, and wasn't about to read yours, but then some passage caught my eye, and it drew me in).

What I liked:
-Jedi, lightsabre combat, Force use, benevolent Master...

What I disliked:
-Not enough description of people, and combat.
-Master too... perfect. No flaws, no weaknesses. Too Mary Stu for my taste.

I just found the master to be too powerful.
We never really felt the danger, because everything he had shown before had ingrained the feeling he was invincible, so I couldn't really feel any fear for him, which I should have.

I hope you don't take it the wrong way, I'm trying to be constructive, not destructive.

Praeothmin wrote:It did have some interesting aspects (indeed, I rarely read fanfics, and wasn't about to read yours, but then some passage caught my eye, and it drew me in).

What I liked:
-Jedi, lightsabre combat, Force use, benevolent Master...

What I disliked:
-Not enough description of people, and combat.
-Master too... perfect. No flaws, no weaknesses. Too Mary Stu for my taste.

I just found the master to be too powerful.
We never really felt the danger, because everything he had shown before had ingrained the feeling he was invincible, so I couldn't really feel any fear for him, which I should have.

I hope you don't take it the wrong way, I'm trying to be constructive, not destructive.

I appreciate the criticism, and the fact that someone has chosen to read my fanfic.

To address your criticisms. I actually my be moving away from most of the lightsaber combat. My main characters are Jedi, which means it is much more likely to concentrate on diplomacy and clever Force tricks, than lightsaber combat. Don't get me wrong, there is a battle planned...

I shall be working toward more description, as I have decided to change the tense to something more manageable. I just cannot deal with the present tense. I won't be changing it drastically, nor will there me much change in how it reads. The story shall still flow, and will maintain its mystique...I hope.

The master was supposed to seem uber powerful. He was not supposed to be in danger against Vudal's Magisters. A line that shall be in the next chapter, is one of the first things that entered my mind when I decided to write this story, and addresses your fears. He is not the main character, that would be Jassu, his apprentice. I do love Master Gios, though, he nothing more than a guide and mentor. He does have a weakness, a pretty big one.

Thank youfor your advice.

Airlocke_Jedi_Knight wrote: I actually my be moving away from most of the lightsaber combat. My main characters are Jedi, which means it is much more likely to concentrate on diplomacy and clever Force tricks, than lightsaber combat.

I have no problem with a story without too much combat, but you did have one, against the Magisters, which would have been interesting with some description, at least to show us how good the Master is and show us the fear of the Magister when they realize this.
You know, the first one wanting to test the Jedi alone, then 2 or 3 at a time, fully confident they can defeat him...

The master was supposed to seem uber powerful. He was not supposed to be in danger against Vudal's Magisters.

Ok, so he's like your story's version of Mace Windu or Yoda...
Cool...

Praeothmin wrote:

Airlocke_Jedi_Knight wrote: I actually my be moving away from most of the lightsaber combat. My main characters are Jedi, which means it is much more likely to concentrate on diplomacy and clever Force tricks, than lightsaber combat.

I have no problem with a story without too much combat, but you did have one, against the Magisters, which would have been interesting with some description, at least to show us how good the Master is and show us the fear of the Magister when they realize this.
You know, the first one wanting to test the Jedi alone, then 2 or 3 at a time, fully confident they can defeat him...

The master was supposed to seem uber powerful. He was not supposed to be in danger against Vudal's Magisters.

Ok, so he's like your story's version of Mace Windu or Yoda...
Cool...

I didn't want to go into much detail this, but maybe I went into to little. These are problems I shall fix with the next entry.

Not like Yoda or Windu, no. Let me try to find his literary equivalent for you...Albus Dumbledore is the closest I can think of. Personality will be different, as will the way he treats his pupil, much less will be kept secret. Anyway, I feel like I am talking to much about it, telling too much here. I will consider your advice, I am only 19 and by no means a master of the trade.

I will try to have the next entry ready by the 23rd.

Airlocke wrote:I will try to have the next entry ready by the 23rd

March 23rd, or your 23rd birthday? ;)

And as for the rest, I commend you for actually going forward and writing, because I've started writing a play 3 years ago, and am still on page 9, although I know exactly everything I want to happen in the play, I even have a sequel in my head... :)

And write some more, read a lot of novels, and get inspiration from them, that should help.
The more you write, the better you'll become... :)

I had the idea for this story, the first one that I put on here, back in December, about 2 and a half years ago. I am about 12 pages in. So I have the same problem. But, if I know someone is reading, I tend to actually finish. SO far, it looks as if I have two readers, so...the 23rd.

I only suggested to keep the present tense because that was how it was already written. If it is far easier to not write in the present tense, then don't. But, if there was one thing I would change, the dialogue at the end between them, it feels too wordy. If the word count per sentence of dialogue was cut down by a third or so, it'd be better.

GStone wrote:I only suggested to keep the present tense because that was how it was already written. If it is far easier to not write in the present tense, then don't. But, if there was one thing I would change, the dialogue at the end between them, it feels too wordy. If the word count per sentence of dialogue was cut down by a third or so, it'd be better.

Well, this was my attempt at recreating the elegance of Star Wars dialogue that seems to have been abandoned with the animated series. The wordiness was intentional, I will tone it down as I go, however, just to make it more approachable.

My next entry shall be delayed for a few days. I will put it up, though.