Starfleet Jedi

This was an idea that popped into my twisted brain in December. Malal, the fifth Chaos God (Did not make him up. He actually exists in 40K, and he scares the shit out of the other Chaos Gods), is launching a massive invasion on the Milky Way. Scared beyond all reason, the factions of 40K unite and send their mightiest soldiers to deal with Malal. Unfortunately, the Warp is an unpredictable dimension, and all but the main characters are killed. These people are nowhere near competent. They form one of the dumbest groups ever to disgrace the galaxy. They are:

Battle Brother Bardus
Species: Space Marine
Age: 4,000
Info: Bardus is the sole survivor of the Fluffy Bunnies Chapter. He considers neckties to be heretical, and often wonders how they get the bullets in the bolter. His best friend is an elm tree named Dennis.

Private Lance McGoo
Species: Human (IG)
Age: 36
Info: The Kenny McCormick of the group. He can die multiple times in one mission, and still come back for more punishment. How he comes back is never explained.

Battle Sister Alicia Dominica
Species: Human (Sister of Battle)
Age: 24
Info: PMS personified. You never know what to expect with her. You just don't. Anything from giving you flowers to ripping off Lance's head.

Shas'O Dodio
Species: Tau
Age: 26
Info: The Ed Grimley of the group. He worships Pat Sajac just like the SNL character Ed Grimley. He also has a cheese fetish.

Brakok
Species: Kroot
Age: 19
Info: Will eat anything. Including Lance. And high-yield warheads. And promethium.

Jiala Nar
Species: Eldar
Age: 300
Info: The goody two-shoes of the group. She will bitch to someone when someone else sets even so much as a hair out of line. Is a good friend of Shas'O Dodio.

No'aclueia
Species: Dark Eldar
Age: 250
Info: Biggest slut in the entire 40K universe. Has even tried to sleep with Tyranids.

Mad Dok Herbert
Species: Ork
Age: 32
Info: Like all Mad Doks, he has some knowledge of surgery. Unlike others, he learned his from watching "Scrubs". He is so incompetent that he thinks that you can replace any organ with a squigg, and the guy will be fine. Once replaced Lance's liver with a bomb. Why is his name Herbert? Why not?

Marduk the Inane
Species: Chaos Space Marine
Age: 2,000
Info: Knownst only to him and a few others, the Chaos gods are actually best friends. The only reason that they fight each other is because they think that the Milky Way is a giant table-top game, and they just want to play. He serves all four Chaos gods, and enjoys sunny afternoons and walks in the park. And skipping.

Colliphas
Species: Daemon (I don't care enough to decide his species)
Age: Unknown
Info: Like Marduk, he serves all four Chaos gods. Unlike Marduk, he doesn't know that they're really best friends, and they often command him to beat himself up for serving their "enemy". They really just like seeing him beat himself up.

Kregas
Species: Tyranid (Spikegaunt)
Age: Unknown
Info: A 'nid with free will, he has the most common sense of anyone in the group. And he doesn't have much. When the going gets tough, he simply curls into a fetal position and repeats: "We're doomed. Doomed. DOOOOOOMED!!!" Once got into a kinky situation with No'aclueia.

ShopVac
Species: Necron
Age: Unknown
Info: The dumbest Necron to ever live. All anyone really knows about him is that hs loves banjo music.

P.S. I'm giving EVERYONE here at SFJ to use these characters in whatever way they see fit. Come up with your own adventures, put 'em in your own already-existing fics, I don't really care.